Social anxiety is something that many of my clients struggle with. One particular client said, “anxiety determines the actions I take and the actions I don’t take, it feels like it controls me.”
I think there are many of us who can relate.
Anxiety can be overwhelming and paralyzing. It can also drive compulsive behaviors such that we feel we don’t have any control over what we do.
When I work with clients who suffer from anxiety, one of the first things we do is begin to define exactly what the feeling is. What is happening in their body when they are experiencing anxiety? Many say it’s tightness in their chest or they may feel as if they’re being crushed. They report their heart racing, feeling flushed or light-headed. Some feel tingly all over. Some even say they completely disconnect from their bodies and feel “frozen.”
All of these experiences are a physical sensation that is happening within the body. It’s simply a chemical reaction to a thought, triggered by a circumstance. You decide to attend a network event to further your business. On the way there you start having thoughts like, “What am I doing? I can’t do this. They are going to hate me. What if I say something stupid? Look at what I’m wearing!” And then the body responds to these thoughts with the feelings of anxiety, your head starts pounding, you can’t breathe, you get foggy, and so you turn the car around and spend the rest of the evening in a pile of self-judgment and shame. And the inner dialogue begins, “Why are you still dealing with this? You should be over this by now. What is wrong with you? You’re such an idiot. Why can’t you just be normal like everybody else?”
This emotional trap can be excruciating for people.
The thoughts we’re having about the pending social circumstance send a signal to our body that we are in danger. We have three basic needs for survival: love, safety, and belonging. Our ancestors’ survival depended on being part of the tribe. Belonging to a community meant surviving. When there is a threat to our belonging, our brains sense grave danger and start shooting signals to our nervous system that it’s time to go into fit, flight, or freeze. So your body reacts, just like it’s designed to. Adrenaline starts pumping, the blood flows away from your organs and into your limbs, preparing you to either run or fight. We lose the ability to think rationally or make conscious decisions.
This stress response is a positive thing. It’s our body’s function to keep us alive. The problem is, our thoughts are interpreting danger when there is no actual threat to our safety. So we get stuck in this panic state and try to strong-arm our way out of it by telling ourselves to “get over it.” Which does not calm the brain down and only leads to self-judgment and more anxiety.
We over-identify with the feeling and make it mean something about us. We hate ourselves for what we feel is a weakness so we begin resisting the feelings of anxiety by any means possible. Numbing, medicating, or never stepping foot out in public again.
If instead, we begin to recognize the thought/feeling connection and notice that our anxiety is simply our body responding to the imagined threat, we can stop resisting the feelings of anxiety and begin to explore the thoughts we’re having that create the anxiety in the first place. When we allow the feelings and therefore become conscious of the thoughts, we can go to work finding new thoughts that will create feelings of confidence, calm, and peace.
Social anxiety can keep you from living the life you desire. It doesn’t have to. Understanding and working with your feelings instead of against them is a powerful way to master your anxiety.
Rebecca Stark is a mastery certified life coach and emotional acceptance practitioner. She is the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com Please submit questions to rebeccastarkcoaching@gmail.com.
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