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Worried About Your Kids’ Social Skills Post-Lockdown? - The New York Times

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Before the coronavirus pandemic began, Michael Munson’s 3-year-old son saw a group of close friends at his preschool at least a few times a week. When he wasn’t in school, he and his 1-year-old sister often played with other kids at the park.

But ever since much of the world shut down to prevent the spread of the coronavirus, the kids have been home with Munson and his wife, both lawyers, who take turns watching them while the other works. They have tried to connect their preschooler to friends through video chats hosted by his teacher, but his response was usually to withdraw, throw tantrums or run away from the screen.

Like many other parents enduring months of stay-at-home orders and school closures, Munson has added a new worry to his list: social deprivation for his kids.

“I’m not a child psychologist or anything, but I understand that ages 2, 3 and 4 are really important for learning how to share, learning how to play outside, learning how to ride bikes, and all these things that are sort of rites of passage in American childhood,” said Munson, who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. “What isn’t he getting by not being able to run around the neighborhood with his friends?”

Social interactions are an important part of development throughout childhood, and spending time with peers is typically part of that process. But try not to fret too much about what they’re missing right now. Several pediatricians and psychologists offered reassurance about the isolation many children have experienced because of Covid-19.

Children tend to be resilient and adaptable, they said. There is much to be gained from interactions with parents, siblings and even pets. Time alone is valuable, too. And connection through technology, like hanging out or playing games through video chats, can fill in some of the blanks. Even without peer interaction for a while, kids can still develop socially and emotionally in ways that will prepare them to pursue real-world friendships when those can resume.

“Even though this is unusual, most kids will come out of this fine because we’re biologically wired to adapt,” said Dr. Jack Shonkoff, M.D., a pediatrician and early-childhood development expert at Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child. “If we weren’t, we would have gone extinct like the dinosaurs. We wouldn’t be able to survive because the environment is always changing.”

Social and emotional learning begins in infancy, and social skills form the foundation for other types of learning, said Dr. Deborah Phillips, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist at Georgetown University. Among the skills that matter are the ability to understand your own emotions, empathize with others, make decisions, cope with challenges, develop relationships and take responsibility for mistakes. Spending time with peers is one way that kids can develop those skills, which affect physical and mental health throughout life, research suggests.

While plenty of studies have documented the link between loneliness and long-term health problems, quarantine itself is not necessarily causing harm or depriving kids of what they need, experts said, especially in cases where a child’s needs are otherwise being met. In many cases, Dr. Phillips said, precedent suggests that kids can handle big changes, including spending long periods of time in the hospital, moving frequently or being separated from a parent for stretches of time.

From a cultural perspective, kids grow up in all kinds of situations, from nuclear families to communes, Dr. Shonkoff added. And historically, the level of technology-aided, always-accessible communication we are accustomed to with family and friends is relatively new.

In fact, having parents who worry excessively about what their kids are missing out on is likely more damaging than missing out on experiences, said Dr. Seth Pollack, Ph.D, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Stress is already widespread among parents who have been balancing work and distance learning, or who have been unemployed, for months. In a May survey of more than 3,000 people, the American Psychological Association reported that 46 percent of parents rated their stress level at eight or higher on a 10-point scale, compared with 28 percent of adults without children. Neglect and abuse can have serious consequences, and concerns about those risks have escalated during the pandemic.

To reduce some of the strain, Dr. Pollack said, parents can help their children by trying to let go of their anxiety about temporary social deprivation. “I think it’s really important for parents not to catastrophize and panic,” he said. “There’s no evidence that even a few months of social distancing is going to have a long-term effect on children’s development.”

Instead, parents can take comfort in the value of relationships within their own homes, Dr. Phillips said. Studies suggest that secure attachments with parents set children up to have stronger friendships. In households with more than one child, siblings help each other learn to negotiate, deal with conflict and resolve differences — something parents can help facilitate by having conversations about the important roles each sibling plays in the family.

Pets, too, can help teach empathy, responsibility, and how to see the perspectives of others. Dr. Phillips suggested using animal companions as a conversation starter about emotions, asking kids questions like, “What do you think they’re feeling? Do you think this is weird for them?”

When it comes to practical tips for facilitating social development, experts said that parents shouldn’t feel pressured to replace peer interaction by acting as if they are the same age as their children or playing games they hate. Social interactions are like training wheels that teach children how to negotiate social situations for the rest of their lives, Dr. Pollack said, and it’s valuable for children to see that people — even parents — have moods, opinions, unique styles of play and a need to take breaks.

To teach lessons about empathy and language that young children might otherwise learn in school settings, Dr. Phillips suggested naming feelings and reading out loud, particularly stories about other places and circumstances. She also recommended giving children developmentally appropriate responsibilities at home — like asking a 5-year-old to plan dinner or having an older child do laundry — which can help them develop a sense of competence and responsibility. “All of that is transferable and will help them be ready when they return to their classrooms and their friends,” she said.

Now is not necessarily the time for lectures about social skills, Dr. Pollack added. Instead, he advised keeping learning moments playful. For example, if a child tries taking two turns in a row, a parent could laugh and say, “Well, if you’re going to take an extra turn, I’m going to take another turn. Let’s do that,’” he said. Finding opportunities for fun is important because happiness breeds curiosity and imaginary play, and play is an essential form of learning in young children.

  • Frequently Asked Questions and Advice

    Updated June 16, 2020

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      The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave.

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      Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.

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      If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)

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      The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.

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Time at home also offers the chance for children to develop independence. For young kids, that might mean picking a toy to play with alone for a while. For school-age kids, Dr. Shonkoff said, figuring things out might mean finding new ways to keep in touch with friends virtually.

Every kid is different, experts said, and some might need more social time than others. But they don’t need tons of friends or a certain kind of interaction to thrive. Even one good friend can help children develop an appreciation for relationships, Dr. Phillips said. And connection can come in many forms, like drawing for each other, writing letters, having video chats, communicating by text message through parents or talking with neighbors through a fence.

Being apart from friends has been hard for many kids and some may be having a particularly tough time. There are some behavioral signs to look out for that suggest a child is struggling, Dr. Shonkoff said. If parents notice children are withdrawn, sad, harder to control, having trouble sleeping or struggling with basic daily interactions, he suggested seeking help from a health care provider. The same goes for parents, whose mental health matters too. But a change in circumstances, even one caused by a global pandemic, does not mean that parents need to scramble to figure out all the best ways to promote healthy development.

Instead, parents can foster healthy growth by trying to spend some time each day socially engaged with their children, Dr. Shonkoff said. Ideally, that time will not only be at the end of the day, when everyone is tired. And it will fit into a relatively predictable routine of mealtimes and bedtime. It’s not important to track how many minutes the social time lasts, whether the interaction is perfect, or if every moment is optimally stimulating.

It is normal to worry, Dr. Shonkoff added. But parents can help their children by agonizing less about whether their children will be damaged by this challenging time. “There’s as much a danger of overthinking this and trying to kind of create an overcontrolled environment for children,” he said. “Kids just need a sense that the environment is safe.”


Emily Sohn is a freelance health and science journalist and parent of two boys.

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